You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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