I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
