A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize