I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
