Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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