I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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