I'm drive I can fine osifer
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
