I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
