I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
