He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
