Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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