It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
