i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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