i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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