yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Whod you bang
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
