he wants to bone in the snuggie
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
