I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I need moral support for this bender
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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