Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
