When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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