I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize