1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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