ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Vodka?
Forever.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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