he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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