They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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