An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
