gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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