Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize