I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
