I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
