if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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