Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
