I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
