Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
