guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
