woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
