the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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