so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
