that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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