You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
