shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
