I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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