my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
