I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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