i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
