Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
