I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
