I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
