I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
