I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
