I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
