I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
