You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
