i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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