Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
