FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
