I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
