girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
