i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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