Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
