I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
